5

It's still hard to believe that 5 years ago today my mom passed away. That day is still so clear...I remember my last precious moments with her so well. I remember watching "Spring Break on MTV" in her room until almost midnight. I remember sitting in the ICU with her trying to study but just looking at my book and not accomplishing one thing. I remember sitting in the hallway with my best friend and just crying. Most importantly I remember the numerous times the doctor would meet with our family and when we decided to not make her suffer anymore...they kept telling me that she would live for another week and I kept having a feeling that she wouldn't make it through the weekend. I remember wanting to tell people how I felt, but thought if I did they would see it as lack of faith. We waited for all of our family to arrive and I remember how my sweet 4 year old niece looked at me and said "She is going to live with heavenly father now, it's okay" As everyone was in the room saying goodbye I dropped to my knees in tears wishing I could take back every arguement I had being an inconsiderate teenager, wishing we could keep our mother/daughter relationship growing and how grateful I was for her giving me the most amazing 18 years. Still at her bedside my father placed his hands on my head and gave me a blessing. I remember my Aunt just hugging me and saying how she was happy she could hold her baby again. Those words were bitter sweet. I am the baby of the family, she was supposed to be holding me but she was being welcomed into heaven by the baby she lost 7 years before I was born. I remember walking out of the ICU, hand in hand with my sister. I remember turning the corner and seeing Bubs standing outside the waiting room with my Grandpa and all I wanted was his arms around me but they seemed to far for me to walk to. I remember my Grandpa saying "Parents aren't supposed to bury their children, what am I supposed to do without my sweet daughter?" I remember how strong my sister was, because she was doing it for me. I remember when I text my best friend "She's gone" and staring at those words, wanting to believe they weren't true. I remember the drive home from the hospital, realizing I wouldn't be back up first thing after school the next day. I remember the first phone call at midnight. (word traveled fast). I remember sleeping in the living room with my family. I remember my dad walking in the house and asking if we could be at the funeral home at 10, or if it was to early. I remember being at the viewing and once again on my knees wishing I would just wake up from this horrible dream. What I would do to hear her yell "MACEE MARIE" one more time! I remember trying to stay strong the day of the funeral, and then I hugged my Uncle Archie and I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. My head was in my dads arms most of the funeral. I still hear all my cousins singing "Families can be together forever" I remember coming home exhausted and not knowing what to do. I remember the first time going shopping and how mad I was at all the mother/daughters I saw. I envied that they were enjoying what was my mom and my favorite hobby together, and was so mad when daughters weren't respecting their moms. I remember every time someone asked my dad how "the girls" are he would always respond "Macee is struggling." I remember Freddie and I spending EVERY night at my house, watching T.V. because I didn't want to talk about the pain I was feeling. It took a week and a half for me to finally go out with friends again. I remember not wanting to go because people treated me differently. (Not their fault for caring, I'm just a big baby and wanted to cry every time someone gave me a hug) I remember walking into the Howells and everyone was pretty normal and then I remember Jon and Jer took me into J's room and gave me a card (which I will always keep) and Jon looked at me and told me it was going to be okay, we would have a good night (I had told him my fear of coming). I have so many memories, and so many of them don't seem that long ago but it seems like it has been a century since I last cuddled with her and just talked. I am so thankful for my family and incredible friends that have been there every step of the way, I really can't imagine where I would be without them... Not a day goes by that we don't think of you. Even Mia says that she wants to "Go to Gradma Malines" WE LOVE YOU MOM!!!